legal advice Archives - Edwards Family Law

Divorcing a narcissist: key points to consider

Posted on November 13, 2024November 22, 2024 by Charlotte Stringer

Divorce can be a turbulent and highly emotive process for anyone, and it is especially so when dealing with a partner who exhibits narcissistic patterns of behaviour. The term “narcissist” is commonly used in society but what does it really mean. There is a saying that all psychopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are psychopaths. For anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist and is attempting to divorce them, this fact may seem a small mercy. Unfortunately, many successful people have significant narcissistic traits, therefore, we often deal with spouses in high-net-worth (HNW) and international divorces who are trying to escape a narcissist.

The term narcissist is used a great deal these days. However, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is very different from a person who enjoys posting selfies. Often charming and personable in public (including the courtroom), someone with NPD can be controlling, superficial, manipulative, and downright dangerous. Although the UK family law system is geared towards encouraging couples to work out financial settlements and arrangements for children between themselves or through mediation rather than going to Court, a narcissist will thrive on dragging out proceedings as long as possible. Furthermore, someone with NPD is unlikely to ever admit they did anything wrong and will blame you for the relationship breaking down, meaning reaching an agreement outside of Court extremely difficult, if not impossible.

To stay strong and sane, you need to instruct an experienced, tough solicitor who will refuse to engage with your spouse’s gameplaying and will tenaciously fight to ensure you and your children’s best interests are protected.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

NPD is a recognised mental illness. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a guidebook used by mental health professionals, people with NPD have five or more of the below traits:

A grandiose sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
A belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
A need for excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
Exploitation of others
A lack of empathy
Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
Arrogant, haughty behaviour, or attitudes

NPD will usually cause problems in everyday life, such as relationships and work. Identifying narcissistic traits isn’t always straightforward and for some it is only when they leave a relationship with a narcissist, they realise their ex had these traits. The impact NPD has had on them then truly comes to light.

Like all mental health issues, narcissism is a spectrum. People such as Bill Gates, Kayne West, Donald Trump, and Mariah Carey have all been accused of displaying narcissistic traits which may make them difficult to be married to. However, this does not necessarily mean they have full-blown NPD. Regardless, navigating a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely challenging and this is only heightened when legal issues are involved, such as divorce and child arrangements. Characteristics a narcissist may exhibit during legal issues are:

The need to have total power and control;
Unwilling to compromise;
Always trying to “win”;
Minimising their previous behaviour;
Delaying or obfuscating the process; and
Lack of empathy.

Negotiating financial settlements

It can be extremely difficult to negotiate the terms of a financial settlement with someone with NPD. Many lack empathy and are unable to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and consider their needs. Furthermore, many narcissists use the divorce process to try and manipulate and control the situation. Although family law solicitors, especially those who are members of Resolution, try to help couples settle without going to Court, such an aim is often nearly impossible if one party is a narcissist.

It can often be extremely frustrating trying to reach an agreement with a narcissist and you may think it is simply easier to let them have what they want in terms of the financial settlement so you and your children can get out of the situation and find some peace. A narcissist will often try and use financial tactics to leverage control, for example hiding assets, providing inadequate financial disclosure or attempting to prolong the matter. Rather than jeopardise your right to a fair financial settlement, it is possible to put in place safeguards to protect you, such as having all communications regarding your divorce go through your solicitor. A solicitor experienced in HNW divorce will undoubtedly have come across narcissists many times and will have the emotional detachment and the strategies to sort out the financial settlement efficiently and effectively, regardless of any game-playing by your spouse.

Arrangements for children

Studies show that growing up with a narcissistic parent is incredibly damaging for a child and narcissistic parents can be emotionally distant, self-centred, neglectful and in some cases even abusive. Although narcissists are primarily focused on themselves, they may not hesitate to fight for your children to primarily reside with them in order to exert control or hurt you, and may make false accusations to bolster their narrative, such as alleging parental alienation.

Co-parenting with a narcissist can be extremely difficult and it is important to put in place safeguards to protect both you and your children. This can include putting in place firm boundaries and communicating only through written means, for example through an app where tone of correspondence can be monitored.

At Edwards Family Law we are well versed in such tactics and will, if required, organise for expert witness reports setting out the impact of the narcissistic parent’s behaviour on your children, especially if it tips over into abuse in terms of coercive and controlling behaviour.

In summary

Divorcing a narcissist is difficult for everyone involved. More than ever, it is vital that you instruct a solicitor who is not only experienced in HNW divorce but also in managing cases where one spouse exhibits narcissistic traits.

If you recognise these patterns please contact us so we can guide you through the process and protect you through this extremely difficult period of your life.
“You will never get the truth out of a Narcissist. The closest you will ever come is a story that either makes them the victim or the hero, but never the villain.”
― Shannon L. Alder

Can you change a child’s surname?

Posted on October 19, 2024November 22, 2024 by Chloe Ashman

If the parents of a child are married, both parents have the power and duty to register a birth and give the child a name. If they are not married, only the mother has the power and duty to do so. It is therefore easy to see how issues can arise during the birth registration process. Issues can also arise several years later. For example, the parents of a child who was given the father’s surname, might separate and the mother now wants their child to be known by her surname (or the surname to be double barrelled). Equally, there are fathers who were not consulted and who would like the child’s surname to be changed.

To change a child’s name, you need either the agreement of all persons with parental responsibility or a Specific Issue Order. Applications are made under s.8 Children Act 1989 and must address any relevant welfare concerns under section 1 of the Children Act 1989 (the “welfare checklist”).

By agreement

If the parents are agreed, the government has recently updated the forms that need to be completed to change the child’s name by deed poll. You can access the relevant forms here.

You can change any part of the child’s name, add or remove hyphens and change the spelling. You cannot change their title (e.g. Master or Miss) and you cannot change any capitalisations of the letters in their name. You must complete forms LOC022, LOC023, LOC024 and LOC026. The cost is £49.32.

If the child is adopted, you can change the child’s name during the adoption process.

If there is no agreement

The parent who wants to change the child’s name, must issue an application for a Specific Issue Order.

A legal case in 1999 set out the background and framework for judges to consider when deciding whether a child’s name should be changed. These are:

(a) If parents are married, they both have the power and the duty to register their child’s names.

(b) If they are not married, the mother has the sole duty and power to do so.

(c) After registration of the child’s names, the grant of a residence order (now known as a ‘lives with order’) means any person wishing to change the surname must obtain the permission of the court or the written consent of all those who have parental responsibility for the child.

(d) In the absence of a Lives with Order, the person wishing to change the surname from the registered name should obtain the relevant written consent or the permissionof the court by making an application for a Specific Issue Order.

(e) The welfare of the child is paramount and the judge must have regard to the s 1(3) [of the Children Act 189] criteria [the welfare checklist].

(f) The factors which the court should consider are the registered surname of the child and the reasons for the registration e.g. recognition of the biological link with the child’s father. Registration is always a relevant and an important consideration, but it is not the only thing the court will consider. Other relevant factors will be considered.

(g) Factors to consider includes factors which may arise in the future as well as currently.

(h) Changing the child’s surname because it is not the same as the parent making the application to change it will not usual be successful.

(i) The reasons for an earlier one-sided decision to change a child’s name may be relevant.

(j) Any changes of circumstances of the child since the original registration may be relevant.

(k) In the case of a child whose parents were married to each other, the fact of the marriage is important. There would have to be strong reasons to change the name from the father’s surname if the child was registered with his surname.

(l) If the parents were not married, the mother has control over registration. Therefore, the degree of commitment from the father to the child, the quality of contact (if it occurs) between father and child, the existence or absence of parental responsibility are all relevant factors to take into account by the court.

Each case will be decided on its own facts and the ‘welfare checklist’ will be the court’s main consideration. Unless there are special circumstances, the courts are in support of the idea that a child’s name should reflect both their maternal and paternal heritage. In a 2002 legal case, the judge said that a child’s surname is of ‘particular significance’ because it ‘denotes the family to which the child belongs’. In another case in 2001, the judge said, “…parents and courts should be much more prepared to contemplate the use of both surnames in an appropriate case, because that is to recognise the importance of both parents”. There have, of course, been many more cases since these in the early two thousands, but these general principles continue to be applied by the courts now and we are unlikely to see a change in this trend.

In Practice

Whilst case law favours the recognition of both parents when deciding on a child’s surname, this will not be appropriate in every case and certainly it will be easier to change a younger child’s name than a child who has more awareness and understanding of their name and its significance. The overall outcome will depend on which judge (or magistrate) is hearing the case and, of course, the specific circumstances of each case. It is therefore very difficult to advise clients on the likely outcome. The expense and uncertainty are inevitably off-putting, but it is the only way to change a child’s name if the parents cannot agree. Before issuing a court application, the court will want to know that the parents have first attempted to resolve the disagreement via mediation. Mediation, if successful, will likely resolve the issue more quickly and at less expense.

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Divorcing a narcissist: key points to consider

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